Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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