Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
