Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
