I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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