My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
