This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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