dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
