Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
