I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
