did you get engaged???
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
