you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
