I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
