I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
