I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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