I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
