i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
