I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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