I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
