Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
