I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
