the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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