Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
