My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
