I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
