dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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