do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
