I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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