When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
