the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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