Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
