This is not my ceiling
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
