In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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