I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
