i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
