My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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