i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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