Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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