The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she woke up with a sticky ear
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Someone came in the potted fern
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
