my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
