I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
