you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
