i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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