I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
