hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
