She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
