I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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