I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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