if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
