While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
