My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
