We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
