life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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