Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize