On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
