I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
How does it feel to date your dad?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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