WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Less talking, more tequila
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
