Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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