i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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