I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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