My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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