my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
