I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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